Transcript: Encouragement for Leaders When Struggling with Loneliness, Anxiety or Anger // Jarrett Stephens, Champion Forest Baptist Church

The Flourishing Culture Podcast Series

Encouragement for Leaders When Struggling with Loneliness, Anxiety or Anger

October 10, 2022

Jarrett Stephens

Intro: Leaders, we've all been through a few storms these past couple of years, and none of us are sure that they're even over. So how do we deal with feelings of anxiety, loneliness, anger, and even fear? Listen in as we talk with a leader and author about how to stay focused and energized in our leadership.

Al Lopus: Hi, I'm Al Lopus, and you're listening to the Flourishing Culture Podcast, where we help you create and lead a flourishing workplace. We find the problem many employers are facing today is readjusting to our post-COVID, hybrid world. The great resignation is still evident, where employees are quitting at record levels, filling millions of open jobs, even as we face a cooling economy and record-setting wage inflation. We know that having a flourishing workplace with fully engaged employees is the solution. So this week, we're talking about moving forward on the road to flourishing, no matter where you're starting from.

As leaders, we've come through several difficult years, having to quickly adapt to changing circumstances. Yes, church leaders; business leaders of camps, rescue missions, campus ministries; education leaders; even leaders helping create flourishing workplace cultures have been impacted. And I know some of you are discouraged, tired, or disappointed and need a fresh vision to move forward.

In today's episode, we'll have an honest conversation about struggles you may be facing as a leader even now. My hope is that this time will encourage you with a renewed sense of God's presence with you and even in you.

And I'm delighted to welcome Jarrett Stephens, the senior pastor of Champion Forest Baptist Church in the Houston area. He's also the author of The Always God. Jarrett has more than 20 years of ministry experience and is a seasoned leader himself. He's committed to bringing a message of hope, that our God never changes, even when we live through chaotic times.

Jarrett, it’s great to have you on the Flourishing Culture Podcast.

Jarrett Stephens: Al, thanks so much for having me. I’m so looking forward to our time together today.

Al: I do, too. And this is an important topic.

And let's start with you, because you made a transition just a couple of years ago. After many years in ministry and the leadership of Prestonwood Baptist, you became a senior pastor at Champion Forest Baptist Church. And that transition occurred in that dramatic time, in the middle of COVID, in December of 2020. What a time to make a change. But now you've been there, well, not quite two years. Share with us how you approached that transition and a few thoughts about shepherding your church during this unique season.

Jarrett: Yeah, it was an interesting time to up and move your family and your kids and a 20-year career where I was serving at a wonderful church there in the North Dallas area and absolutely loved it. Thought I'd be there forever. But God just started turning in my heart. Really, in November, December of 2019, I realized that there was a shift taking place just in my own heart and knew that something was coming. Didn't know what it was, of course. And COVID hits in 2020.

And I can just remember, Al, I'm the father of four girls, so I live in my own sorority house over here. And I would have to get out of the house just for some sanity’s sake. And I would go on runs. And it was during COVID, and I can remember that song—it was real popular in 2020—where even when you don't feel like God is moving, He's there. Even when you don't see it, He's there. And I remember that song, just listening to it, and that message really got in my heart. And that’s where The Always God book really was birthed. And it’s this whole idea that God hasn't changed and that we're not forgotten.

And in that process, God, through a church here in northwest Houston, calls me to come pastor. And my first Sunday was in January, the very first Sunday in January of 2021. So the church had been through COVID. We're a very diverse church, much like the city of Houston. And it had been through it, just to be real honest with you. It had been without a pastor for 18 months because of our diversity. You remember that political season that we came through. It was very divisive. That was when the George Floyd murders were taking place. And so I entered into a church that, the only way I can say it is, I tell people, “God prepared me for the church and prepared the church for me.” And it was a beautiful marriage of ministry, if you will, between pastor and people.

And so what I set out to do in the first year, Al, was I just decided, you know what? I'm not going to change anything. I'm certainly not going to run from problems as they come up, and we'll make tweaks and changes where we need to be, but no big changes for a year. What I'm going to do—I took the Nehemiah approach—I'm going to pray. I'm going to observe the walls. I'm going to talk to people. And my goal was two-fold. I said, “I'm going to, as I pray and observe, I'm going to try to, my best of my ability, to preach the paint off the wall and preach good, Bible-driven, Jesus-exalting, Spirit-filled sermons, and I'm going to love people. And that's what I'm going to do the first year.

And so that was the posture that I took. And I think that the people really received that well and respected that. And, you know, I'm 19 months in, but it's just been an incredible journey so far.

Al: Yeah. Well, that’s great. So you moved cross state to that rival city, from Dallas to Houston. That's a transition right there, isn't it?

Jarrett: Yeah. I went all in, too. Dallas, big Cowboys fan, but they hadn’t won anything in 30 years, Al. So I just said, “You know what? I'm going all in with the Houston teams. I'm going ‘Stros, the Rockets, the Texans,” and so I just went all in, trying all things to all people, right?

Al: There you go, okay. Yeah, all right.

Well, on the other hand, we’ve got some research here. The trends in America indicates that some people have stopped going to church. Well, actually, a lot of people have stopped going to church during the pandemic. And it looks like they're not coming back. So this is discouraging of church leaders and pastors of congregations of all sizes. And pastors may find it hard to get energized and lead well when it comes to serving their people, especially when they're not responding or even reconnecting with their churches. So what are your thoughts on how a local pastor and congregation can move forward with a refreshed vision to reach their community in this new season of ministry?

Jarrett: Yeah. It's a great question, Al, and I think it all goes back to, from a pastor’s standpoint, I think it all goes back to their time alone with the Lord. When you're spending time alone with the Lord, that's where your focus is crystallized. It’s where your priorities—the noise is cut out, and priorities seem to be in the right place because you're hearing from God. You're spending time alone with Him. And you can be discouraged and still spend time alone with the Lord, but there's just a perspective that comes from time with the Lord, in prayer, that you might not get any other way.

And to me, I think the answer always goes back to, what is the definition of faithfulness? God has not called us to have big churches. God has not called us to come up with all the answers. What He's called us to do is to be faithful. And if we will serve Him in faithfulness—you know, I've never seen it as my job to fill the church with people. My job as the pastor is to make sure that there's an environment and atmosphere where Jesus is present, and when Jesus is present, He said, “When I'm lifted up, I'll draw men to myself.”

And so I would just encourage any pastors that are listening to this podcast right now, and any leaders, for that matter, that are discouraged coming out of COVID, you know, I think you've got to take care of yourself physically, emotionally, and it begins with taking care of yourself spiritually. And so that time alone with the Lord is so important, and getting out and taking care of yourself physically. All these things work together to help you emotionally be in a place where you can lead well.

Al: Yeah. Yeah, Jarrett. That's really helpful because—and my wife reminds me, “Al, God called you to be faithful, not successful.”

Jarrett: That’s right.

Al: And I know I was at Prison Fellowship, and Chuck Colson had on his desk, he said, “God calls us to be faithful.” And that's a reminder for all of us because we can become so results focused and think that we actually have a lot to do with results. But actually, He’s the one that brings the results.

Well, let’s get to your book a little bit. The subtitle of your book called The Always God is He Hasn’t Changed and You Are Not Forgotten. You mentioned that earlier. So what is it about this message, “He hasn’t changed and you are not forgotten,” that resonates so much that caused you to write the book?

Jarrett: Yeah. Well, I think our culture today, everything's changing. I mean, and it changes all the time. It changes every day. Technology that's invented today is obsolete tomorrow. And so the one constant in our life—our emotions change; they rise and fall with the seasons of life. Our relationships change. Everything in life, our jobs change. Our kids change as they mature. Everything changes—but the one constant that doesn't change is God.

And oftentimes, when you're in the middle of change—as mentioned earlier, I was in the middle of this career transition—the tendency to sometimes—when you're waiting on God in those waiting seasons. Or when you're going through something that you might not understand. Life throws you a curve ball, and it's just leaving you asking questions—the tendency is to think, “God, you've forgotten me. Where are you, God?” You know, those silent times of life where you're praying, and it doesn't feel like your prayers are getting past the roof or the ceiling of the room that you're in. That can be discouraging, tough times. And so I just wanted to remind readers that, listen, in an ever-changing world, there's one thing that doesn't change, and that's God. And as you go through life, just remember He hasn't changed, and you’re not forgotten.

And I really think the subtitle of the book says it all. It is the message that I think resonates in people’s hearts, gives them hope because God is constant. He’s promised He’ll never leave us. He’ll never forsake us. And we just need to remember that we are not forgotten.

Al: Yeah. You're not forgotten. I love that.

And also in your book, The Always God, you talk about how important it is to hear from God, even in seasons of unanswered prayers. As you said, there are times where we just don't feel like our prayers get above the ceiling or get above us as we're praying. And sometimes we even experience what so many know as the dark night. But if we're honest, we all go through those seasons, don’t we? And we feel like God is silent, or maybe not even particularly engaged in our lives, working through somebody else, maybe. So what have you found to be one of the most important truths and practices to focus on during a season where God seems silent, where our prayers don't feel like they've gone anywhere in our lives or ministry?

Jarrett: Yeah. It's a great question. And I would just encourage the listener today, if they are going through those dark nights, feel like they’re waiting on God, having to wait on, God does things in the waiting times of life that He'll never do in any other season of life. He teaches us things. We've got to remember that God's main priority for us is the purity of our faith, to conform us to the image of Christ. And trials and waiting times conform us to the image of Christ and purify our faith more than any other thing in life.

And I would just encourage, John chapter 15, that whole idea of abiding in Christ, remaining in Christ. They call them spiritual disciplines for a reason, because you have to be disciplined to do it. And sometimes we can get into our time alone with the Lord, and it feels like we're going through the motions. But that discipline is really building something into us. And sometimes, I believe, from a scriptural standpoint, God can sometimes distance Himself or make it appear or feel as if He's distancing Himself to see how much we're going to press in.

Al: Yeah.

Jarrett: And so for me, I would just encourage people to stay connected to God, abide in Him. I think it was nine times in 11 verses in John 15 Jesus says abide, remain, remain. Stay connected to biblical community. This is why church is so important, that you have people that love you, that will speak truth into your life, that will hold your arms up, encourage you. And so just understand, you need community, good biblical community. So as you're going through those waiting seasons, you understand that you're not in it alone, even though you feel like you may be alone. And so staying connected in the Lord, staying connected to others, I think, is the most important thing you can do when you're having those and going through those seasons of life.

Al: Our listeners know that I will say regularly, we can only bring who we are, and if we aren't filled with the Spirit of God, then we don't have much to bring in our leadership. And, boy, what you've just said is so true.

Well, now I'm going to bring up a word that many people may recognize, and that is anxiousness. We talk about God calms the anxious. And anxiety is such a huge issue in our culture now. And coming out of COVID, I think the anxiety factor has really increased. And you address anxiety. You remind us about the account of the storm in Matthew 14, where Jesus knew the storm was coming, obviously. He sent His disciples out into the lake. And yet you describe how our anxious moments include times when it seems like, well, God leads us into a mess, sometimes. We've all felt that. So how can we as modern disciples learn to trust God in the midst of storms and the messes in life? You talk about a spiritual path at 3 a.m.. So how do we incorporate those into our lives to deal with anxiety?

Jarrett: Yeah. I love that story in Matthew 14, and it's interesting that you're asking me this question. I just, at the time of this recording of this podcast, I just got back from preaching at a chapel at the school that I graduated from in Arkansas. And they had a football player that passed away, incidental, just a tragic accident. And I was preaching at the first chapel, where the entire student body was gathered back together. And I was really praying, “God, what do you want me to say to this student body?” You hear they've lost a classmate and a friend, a teammate in some instances.

And I'm telling you, I believe He spoke this Matthew 14 into my heart. And those college students were asking a lot of questions. There was a lot of fear, a lot of anxiety. But that passage where Jesus sends them out on—these are seasoned fishermen, and they were scared for their life. That's how bad the storm was. They look out, and Jesus is walking on the water. And it's just amazing to me when Jesus came to them. If you read the Scripture, Jesus came during the hours of three and six in the morning. So when it was darkest, Jesus came to them. He came when the storm was the roughest, that's when they saw Him. And when Jesus gets there, He speaks a word of encouragement and faith and hope. He says, “Take courage. It is I. Do not be afraid.”

And so if somebody is going through anxiety, that's what I would tell them. I would say, you just know that God, He will come to you. He might come to you in the roughest hours of the night. And He's going to come, speaking a word of encouragement. “Take courage. It is I.” He is with you. The Bible says He is a very present help in our time of need. Matthew 11:28 says, “Come to me, all you who are tired and have heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.” It's all about Jesus and the presence of Christ. He says, “Take courage. It is I. Do not be afraid.”

And that's what I would tell anybody listening that's going through anxiety. It's what the prophet Isaiah said, “Don't fear. Don't be dismayed. I am the Lord your God. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. I will be here for you.” All those personal pronouns, I. God is with you; He is near you, even when you don't feel like it. And we can't trust our feelings. Our feelings come and go. And that's why we trust in the always God, because He’s consistent, and He'll always be there. And so that would be my word of encouragement to anybody struggling with anxiety or feelings of just being overwhelmed emotionally right now.

Al: I trust you’re enjoying our podcast today. We’ll be right back after an important word for leaders.

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And now, back to today’s special guest.

Al: Oh, that's a good word. And especially after what we've been through, and quite frankly, as we look forward, and we see possibly a slowing economy, possibly more rough water, more storms. Who knows?

Jarrett: And I love that. I heard a pastor say this some time, when Jesus was walking on that water, demonstrated that whatever is over our head is under His feet. And so He's in control. And we don't have to have heartburn over anything that's going on because we know as children of God, everything filters through His holy hands, and we can believe that and embrace it and walk in that truth.

Al: We can live in that truth, for sure.

Well, let me bring up another word. We've just dealt with anxiety. Now, loneliness is another area that you address in your book. And you describe how we are made in the image of God, and we are made for relationships, not for social media, but for real relationships. And God never meant for us to be lonely, because we're created to live in community, and who are especially and particularly that relates to leaders, because loneliness often haunts leaders. They experience loneliness, and that often leads, then, to unhealthy behaviors. So what would you say today to a leader, to even a pastor, who's struggling with loneliness?

Jarrett: Well, I would say to a pastor who’s struggling with loneliness, congratulations. Welcome to the family, because we all struggle with it. And I think there is a big difference between being alone and being lonely. I think that we've got to determine the difference between that. God said it's not good that man should be alone. Man wasn't lonely; he had fellowship with God. So there's a difference between being alone and lonely.

But I can remember, Al, I was driving down a tollway one time, and I didn't have the radio on for some reason. I wasn't listening to the Flourishing Culture Podcast. I was just silent. I was just driving down the road, and it wasn't talking on the phone. It was just one of those moments where it hit me, “I am totally alone right now,” and it was quiet in the car, and I'd never felt so lonely in all my life. And I've got, I mean, I'm a pretty extroverted person, Type-A personality. I've got a lot—I looked on my contacts. I had, like, 2100 contacts in my phone. I'm not a lonely person. But that moment, I felt so alone, so lonely. And I just remember that it hit me like a ton of bricks.

And I would just say to the person that is struggling with loneliness, again, don't—it's so easy for Satan to isolate us and make us think we're alone, make us think that we’re the only one going through this hard time or the only one dealing with this issue. And we've always got to submit our feelings to the Word of God and the truth of God's Word. And when I disciple people, I show them a train. And the engine of the train is fact; it is truth. The caboose of the train is feelings, emotions. And we've got to always make sure that the engine that is driving our life is fact. What does God's Word say? And God's Word says that He will never leave me, and He will never forsake me. God's Word tells me that when the Holy Spirit is in me, I am never alone and will never be alone. And so no matter what my emotions or my feelings may be saying to me, always have to be submissive to the Word of God. And so that's where I would probably coach someone up that may be feeling lonely is say, “I know what you may be feeling, but don't let those feelings be driving the engine of your life. Always submit those emotions to the Word of God.”

Al: Yeah. Wow. Yeah, that's really helpful. And oftentimes, we do get just carried away with our feelings. Even as a thinker on the Myers-Briggs, I would be the first to say I am subject to my own feelings many times.

Well, okay. So we've talked about anxiety. We've talked about loneliness. Now, let me bring up one more topic that we're all facing with, and that is anger. And you addressed that in your book. So as you were working on that chapter, you mentioned reading a headline that stated “Americans are living in a big anger incubator.” Wow, it’s easy to see this anger playing out in our social media and the news. And yet Jesus addresses anger in the Sermon on the Mount, as I reflect on it. And He calls it murder, and that's a pretty strong connection. So how do we lead our people and deal with our own hearts in the midst of this angry environment that we find ourselves in?

Jarrett: Yeah. I think it’s probably—this, Al, was probably one of the biggest issues that the church needs to deal with today. We’re so angry. And you talked about it: social media is filled with it. You turn on the news; whatever side you're on, it’s anger toward the other side. And it just plays it up, and it stokes the fires and embers of anger. And I think the only answer to anger, in my opinion, from a scriptural standpoint, is forgiveness. And if we don't deal with our anger, it will eat us up, and it will ruin our lives. It will allow a root of bitterness to grow in our heart. And those roots run deep. And it will spoil not just one relationship, but it will spoil so many relationships if you don't deal with it.

And so we have to—Jesus on the cross—when He prayed the Lord's Prayer, the only commentary that He gave was the part on forgiving people of their trespasses as You’ve forgiven us. He goes on and says, “If you don't, your Heavenly Father won't forgive you.” On the cross, He continually repeated in the original language—it's in a repetitious state—“Father, forgive them. They know not what they do. Father, forgive them. They know not what they do.” We know Paul in Ephesians chapter four, we have to forgive. Replace all of that bitterness and anger and wrath and malice and slander, and instead, be kind and tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ forgave you.

And so the word forgive is let it go. It's the theme of Disney's Frozen. “Let it go, let it go.” And sometimes we think if we’ll hold onto the anger or if we’ll hold onto the bitterness, then we're really going to punish the one that offended. And the one that offended us probably doesn't even know they offended us. And if you're waiting on them to come and apologize, you're going to be waiting a long time. And so my encouragement is learn to release through the power of forgiveness. It is the greatest lesson, Al, that I've ever learned.

My story is one of—and I share this on many platforms—of being sexually abused between the ages of eight and 12. Never told a soul till I was 19. And the power of me being able to forgive my accuser, forgive my abuser, doesn't mean I'm ever going to forget what he did. It doesn't mean that justice doesn't need to be served. But forgiveness is saying, “I'm not going to let what you did to me control how I feel or how I live. I'm giving that to the Lord.” And when I look at the cross and I see Jesus’s arms spread out, and I see, you know what? That's how much He forgave me, of all of that, then who am I to withhold forgiveness from someone else? So very important, and I think it is the answer to this anger environment that we live in.

Al: Antidote to anger: forgiveness.

Jarrett: Yep.

Al: I love that, Jarrett. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, this summer I walked the Portuguese Camino de Santiago, and every morning I'd kind of hold it out to God, saying, “Okay, I've got 10 to 15 miles in front of me. Lord, I open myself to You.” And each evening, then, I’d kind of end the day, and I'd see how God had walked with me and had worked through me in so many conversations and connections. And so that was quite a focused experience.

So Jarrett, how do you keep your focus on God and His presence and activity in your daily life and your daily experiences? What are some of the spiritual practices and foundations that you follow in your daily life?

Jarrett: Yeah. Well, I love talking about this subject because it's so dear to me. Number one, my time alone with the Lord is precious. And so the morning times with God is a priority. I call it my hour of power. I got that from a preacher-mentor friend of mine. And every morning, I'm in the Word, with my journal. I say “every morning,” just about every morning, I'm in the Word, with my journal. And I'll read the Proverb of the day. There's 31 Proverbs, 31 days in a typical month. I read two or three Psalms a day, depending on the size of the Psalm. I kind of treat that like it’s my cardio, if you will, physically. I read one chapter of the Old Testament, I read one chapter of the New Testament, and that helps keep my mind engaged and not wondering and just write down what I'm walking through.

And if I was to take you to my study here, I could show you my journals back to the year 2000. And so I love being able to go back and say, “Okay, what was I struggling with 10 years ago on this day?” or “What was I celebrating or praying for 10 years, 15 years ago on this day?” And so that journaling and praying is of utmost important to me. And if I don't have it, I feel like I’m missing something. But that just, for me, that’s what keeps my heart tethered to the Lord.

I try to repeat two, three mottoes every single day to myself, that I live in. One is trust and entrust. My job as a believer today is to trust the Lord and entrust my life and my family and my resources and my talents and my giftings. All of that is to the Lord. I want to trust Him. You read the Bible: the word trust and entrust could be written on every page.

Another motto I try to live by is with purity there's power. And so it's just a reinforcement in my life that I want to be a pure vessel that God can use. I don't want to ever be like the hypocrites in Matthew 23, where Jesus said, Hey, you do what they're telling you to do, but don't do what they do, because they don't—you know, I want to live out what I'm preaching. I want to be able to teach and preach with a moral authority that says, “Thus sayeth the Lord.”

And then the final motto is, I say, assume the towel. And I want to be a servant. Jesus washed the disciples’ feet in John chapter 13. And as the senior pastor of Champion Forest, I see myself as the senior servant, and I want to take that posture. I want to take that posture in my home. I want to take that posture here at the office.

And so those are some of the things that I coach myself up on, that I say to myself every single day. But the biggest, biggest activity discipline that I think has kept me rooted and faithful to the Lord, by His grace, is time alone with Him.

Al: Thank you. That's fantastic. So many times I'll talk with Christian leaders, and we bring up this topic because it's a source of my renewal every day. Without it, I'd be pretty flat is kind of the way I feel about it. And I'm sometimes disappointed more times than I'd like about how people respond. And yeah, what a great response. I love your a Proverb every day, a Psalm every day. And as you say, there's 31 Proverbs, so there's a new Proverb every day of every month, almost. And an Old and New Testament chapter, and the journaling. I appreciate the Day One journal because it will automatically tell you, when you log in in the morning, how many days of the same day, the previous year, the previous years. And you can click on that. That's a lot of fun.

But wow. Well, Jarrett, we've learned so much in our conversation, and I really appreciate, we've talked about some pretty, pretty appropriate topics for what leaders are experiencing these days. And just to keep refreshed with the vision, that time alone with the Lord in prayer is the one that keeps us going, gives us energy, for us to be faithful, that He hasn't changed. And also, then, we talked about anxiety. Jesus, even in the darkest, roughest times, tells us to take courage. “It is I.” So He is with us. With loneliness, that's something that He wants us to realize, that we belong to a family. We're not alone. But we may feel lonely. So submit our feelings. I think that's just great advice. And the antidote to anger is forgiveness. Don't let that root of bitterness live within us. And to stay fresh with the discipline of daily practices that keep us close to God. What a great discussion for us to stay fresh and re-energized in these times.

But Jarrett, is there something else that you'd like to add that we've talked about, or maybe that we haven't talked about, that you feel would help summarize the conversation?

Jarrett: I think there is, Al. I so enjoyed the conversation. And I would just point people to, like I said before, the title and subtitle of the book. I think that says it all, that if there's anybody out there struggling with what we would call today mental-health issues—whether it's loneliness or anxiety or fear—write about fear in the book as well—and there's so much, when you look at the Christian faith, the fact that Christ is in us and that Christ is for us and that Christ is with us, man, I think you can get through whatever it is that you're facing. And so to our listeners today, I'm so grateful for them tuning in, and just pray God's richest blessings on everyone today.

Al: Well, thanks, Jarrett. And thanks for your contributions in this podcast. Most of all, I appreciate your devotion to shepherding the leaders and the people God has entrusted to you and to bringing a message of hope to those who may be feeling forgotten by God. So thank you for taking time out of your day and speaking into the lives of so many listeners. Thank you.

Jarrett: Thank you, Al.

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